marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
