she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
