Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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