I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
