Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
