Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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