You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
