So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
