I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
