doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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