she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
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