Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
