mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
