census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
time to smoke my breakfast
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
