I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
