There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
