Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
