It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
