I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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