you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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