Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
