you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
