Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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