this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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