Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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