I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
