after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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