Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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