My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
