these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
