Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
