you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
