Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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