just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
