Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
