i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Randomize
