I hope mine doesn't look like that
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
