Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
