guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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