did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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