I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
