the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
