The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
