I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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