Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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