I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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