I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
