just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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