I smell stomach acid.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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