I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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