my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
My bed is full of blood and feathers
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVEâ€
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