I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
